• belindatopan

Is this really worth it?

I'm starting to doubt my reasoning for existence, it is something that I have always struggled with, constantly fighting the universe, telling it this is my purpose and having it laugh at me. What am I doing wrong? I know I can write well now, I now that I have improved and I will continue to do so and that i am proud to have accomplish this. I am proud to have a small following, people coming to my page and loving my works, people supporting with likes and comments. It truly has given my passion for writing a new flame but it's dwindling again, not because of the the readers but me, in general. I feel lost, writing away on my little laptop, at home typing away chapters, drawing crappy - but funny stick figures. Sure it tells me i need to go out and interact and socialise but then I also struggle with the lack of funds and the fear to have a job terrifies me. I fear it will stray me from my passion and works, and yet i feel Uni will help me broadening my connections and knowledge to write.

But is it really worth it? I know this anxious fear that is talking but it has some truth to it. a harsh reality that i may come face to in the end. No matter how much i publish, no matter how much i practise, i feel that i will have to give up half of my dream to be a successful author and find a full time job that i will hate. I hate working for someone else, i wish to be my own boss, my own captain of this sailing ship.

I wonder if life even has a purpose, it feels meh, or unexciting and it's hard to keep going. i feel like i am wasting away and no one would notice. I just want my writing to have more purpose, i want to feel like what i am doing is given a purpose in this world and not seen as a joke.

#mentalhealth #writing #amwriting #thoughts #depression #anxiety #unboxing #brain


©2020 by Belinda Topan - Australia, Brisbane

my business email - bindisbooks@gmail.com

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